If only. Those must be the saddest words in the world.
guilt. regret. anger. frustration. longing. hurt. confusion.
It was just the beginning to whatever i thought would last, but i guess i have been dreaming.
Unaware of how i have hurt the people around me, i continue with my ugly attitude.
For the first time in my life, i am actually turning to God.

Forcing myself to sleep while crying; i wish i saved up my tears so i could drown myself in them. Burst out crying at the slightest provocation i thought that was enough. I cry so often my eyebrows hurt from all the furrowing, my head and my heart hurts. I am mindless at nights, all of the pain with none of the texture. I swallow back chokes on sobs that i shoudn't be crying, in my empty room where shadows mock my company, and nobody would be around to hear anyways.
I wish it wasn't like everything was gone.

Walking back into depression, oh why am i not surprised.
Sitting down not even looking at me. Walking past each other like we've never met before. Talking like we've never spoken to each other before.
I dont really want this.
Whatever that's happening is making me feel that its all just a repetition of whatever that happened the previous year. Ive been thinking of what i can do lately, ive been thinking of how to start. It sometimes hurts when people try to help by telling me they understand.
All this time i felt so lost. Taking the first step by talking to you, you start turning your back on me.
I get so annnoyed with myself i feel that i should give up. It all feels like a lie, a dream, some sort of fantasy. Its like ive been in a deep sleep, nobody around to wake me up. Feeling so confused and claustrophobic, im hurting and slowly dying on the inside.

I go -home, and that's not where i want to be. I go to school and i feel no sense of belonging. I think of the pleasant moments we had together and how i used to turn to you, its all in the past.
I can't believe whatever you heard could influence you so much your entire attitude has changed towards me.
Everybody makes mistakes, nobody is perfect.
There were times when i felt you have done something i didnt like you to be doing, but i sucked it up and moved on. Somebody once told me that Friendship was the strongest ship, im starting to doubt that. Everything arises interaction; comunication. But i think i should just let it go for this.

I dont know what you're thinking, and neither will you be able to understand me.
Trying to set aside all the other problems and obstacles i face, putting all my heart into this particular situation right here, right now.
It could have been a misunderstanding, or a misinterpretation of whatever you have heard.
I might have said or done something i shouldnt have, but you're just not giving me a chance.
I just want to say im sorry, I just wish you would forgive me.

There is so much on my mind, i dont get why the world just cant get that straight.
My mother, my father, my family, and me. School, friends, and the people.
Everything is definitely happening for a reason, and i wish i could do something about it.
Time's not going to wait for me, but doing my imaginary running wouldn't help either.
Its impossible for me to just let it go.

I sit here, listen to songs and think about things i should have already figured out. It's all different viewpoints on the same thing. I can't breathe unless my head's in the right spot; its killing me.

And with my neurosis, it's the difference between parts and pieces.

Labels: if only.